Reinvention of Self (Red Pill Version)

19 03 2018

matrixPillsRed(I found this in my drafts, written almost 3 years ago but I guess I never thought it was finished. Gonna go ahead and post it now.)

At the ripe old age of 45 I got sick of feeling like an insecure 13 year old around new people, and decided to apply my hard-won wisdom and maturity (one assumes by this time) to the problem. I thought, be intentional about my identity. Who can I be that isn’t affected by what others think?

I decided I would be everyone’s friend, whether they knew it or not. I didn’t alter my SOP of hardly interacting with anyone, but looked at everyone around me in the most positive light I could and made an effort to be helpful whenever possible. To maintain my intention I mentally repeated a mantra: no judgement, no entitlement. I would require nothing of anyone, and make only positive assumptions.

It doesn’t exactly sound like a power mantra, does it? I’m not sure how I arrived at it. Certainly my aikido practice was a contributing factor. Anyway I found it to be surprisingly empowering. It broke a cycle I had been riding in my head forever; feeling self-conscious, then defensively projecting negative judgements on everyone else. Which reinforced my self-consciousness, which pedaled the cycle on and on. They hate me–>I hate them–>they hate me–>I hate them–>∞.

 

Also, sorry for being a judgemental prick all the time.

 

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